The Rules of Retail

hey.

its been a while, i know. but as i mentioned in previous posts, i do not find it necessary to write unless there is something to write about.

this time, there is something to write about...oh, is there something to write about.

i've spent a considerable part of the last 4 years woring in retail spread over two jobs. but no matter where i work, there is always one uniting quality.

PEOPLE ARE DUMB.

now, this doesn't refer to everybody...but the amount of dumb people seems to vastly outnumber the ones who don't make me fear for humanity any more than i already do. but the more i thought about it, maybe its not that people are dumb, but more that they are simply not educated on proper shopping ettiquette from the eyes of a working stiff. so tonight, i thought i would lay down a few ground rules that Lord knows common sense and decent home training should have taken care of. but then again, this is the country that uses technology to hide its laziness(see: Roomba).

1. Have Your Money Ready.

I understand that shopping with kids and hectic schedules can disorient you a bit. Those folks have been spared of my wrath for the moment. But if you are standing there staring into space, twiddling your thumbs(you know, because people totally still do that) without a care in the world, you have more than enough time between when I start the transaction and when I am requesting payment to pull out a wallet or a money clip. This is, however, not the time to tell me what a ripoff the store is or how the quality of the clothes at Wal-Mart is better....and honestly, if Wal-Mart wins in your estimation of what quality is, then clearly your problems are far greater than not pulling your money out in a timely manner.

2. Control Your Children...please?

Q: A retail worker is walking toward the front end of his store carrying a large piece of furniture on a flatbed cart going 8 miles an hour. At this same moment your rowdy child decides to dart out in front of the worker at almost the exact same speed. How long will it take before the child is hurt, the worker gets sued, and spends hundreds in phone bills trying to get the Johnnie Cochran Firm to represent him?

A: About the same amount of time it will take you to realize that this isn't a real word problem and that you shouldn't take yourself quite as seriously as you apparently do because if high school taught you anything, it's that nobody likes an overachiever...except maybe Mary Kay Letourneau...

But seriously folks, i've just narrowly escaped situations like the one above. I try my hardest to work safely and properly, but i can only do so much. Being a parent comes with certain responsibilities. When I was a kid, my mom would always quote this passage from the book of Luke: "To whom much is given, much is required."

3. Big Object: Big Car.

This one is common sense. If you are buying a couch, you wouldn't bring a Pinto, would you? Right. I'm glad you use your brain. I wish others would do the same. But today I put a grill in the back seat of a Mercedes, almost a year to the day when I put a pool in a Mini Cooper.

Yes, I remember the day. There's no forgetting that kind of stupid.

If you are buying a big object, BRING A BIG CAR!!!!!!! And if it can't fit in the trunk, bring some bungie cords or something. i am not a miracle worker...although that pool in the Mini thing was kinda miraculous...

and lastly....

4. Recognize The Difference Between a Retail Worker and a Punching Bag.

If we tell you we don't carry something, it's generally because WE DONT HAVE IT!!!!! I am sorry if this upsets you, but it doesn't change the fact that I cannot give it to you right now. So guess how much I care when you yell and stomp and storm out and aggressively grab your child's hand and tell him or her to stop being a brat and they they can't always get what they want.

Also, we are the lower rung of the retail ladder. we are not quality control. so it's not my fault that the wool cap you bought on clearance for a dollar unraveled while you were wearing it.

Why would you come to a department store for a high quality anything??????? I'm sorry, but if you're looking for Gibson quality in your kid's first guitar, you won't find it in a First Act. It's much more cost-effective to tattoo "I'm Cheap" on your forehead so your kid knows why the nut broke a week after buying it.



OK....i feel better now.

Follow these simple rules and you will be a better, more efficient shopper in no time!!!!!




L8R.