Notes From Venus...

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him who is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?"
-Ecclesiastes 4:9-10




ahoy.


i take to the seas on the s.s blog yet again to discuss something i have never understood ever....women. they are a complicated breed and what makes it worse is they are totally aware of it. don't get me wrong, i respect women immensely. i was raised by a single mom, so i have some small understanding of what women have to deal with. and i understand women feel the exact same way about men. so i'm writing this for men and against men, and vice versa as an attempt to create some understanding among the sexes. its not that we speak different languages, but that we don't speak the same language the same way. it's like trying to speak french in france versus trying it in montreal. the langauge is the same, but the way it's spoken is almost entirely different. so let's get some harmony and understanding happening...ladies first.


LADIES....
you know i love y'all. but there are a few things i will never understand. the most baffling thing is probably this....
you see, some people have issues with PDA(Public Display of Affection). personally, i don't, but I do have a big issue with PDP(Public Discussion of Periods). first of all, ewwwww. secondly, did i say ewwwww already? and third, its bad enough maxi pad commercials are getting in the way of my enjoyment of ron jaworski's color commentary on sportscenter. what is the purpose of discussing it out loud for the world to hear? our sex lives in conversation are shameful and taboo but bleeding out on a monthly basis is totally in play? where is the line drawn? this position is not coming from a place of ignorance, i assure you. i know what happens. you know what happens. heck, anyone who passed middle school knows what happens...not that most of you out there haven't yet passed middle school, but im simply trying to consider my fans in arkansas and mississippi who are probably having their "yankee" friends read it to them very slowly while trying unsuccessfully to understand those tricky big words like "place" or "middle". what can i say? i'm an equal opportunity writer. sue me.
i understand that women have to work a lot harder than men to survive in this world. but i hardly think that not talking about your time of the month is an unreasonable request.
secondly, there are some of you, and not all of you, just some of you, who seem to think it a good idea to to wear clothing that is extra revealing. now as i mentioned, women have to work waaaaaaaaayyyyy harder than men to succeed in this world, so you more than have a right to want to feel good about yourself. but you ladies who walk around with your goodies hanging out in plain view...im talking to you.

stop it.

stop it now.

this is real life, not a rap video shoot. it's not sexy, it's not cute, and it won't make even the douchiest of douchebags respect you. if you really want that kind of attention, i'd much rather you run around in a jumpsuit with the chorus of lady marmalade written in huge block letters all over it. no? well then, having a little thing called self respect wouldn't kill you. perhaps this is why i always had more of a thing for velma than that little tease daphne...oh, dear god, just the thought of that orange turtle neck and the juxtaposition of those freckles and those pseudo-intellectual glasses...

jinkies indeed.

ok. i've beaten up on the ladies far enough.

GENTLEMEN....
for some of you, the aforementioned title is very much wishful thinking. why? you know why. and if you don't then perhaps it's time you renewed your subscription to the advocate.

it has been well documented that we as men have a tendency to see women the way a cheetah might see that lonely clueless emo-kid gazelle grazing strategically left of the herd. i'm only going to say this once, so listen up.

WOMEN AND MEAT ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!!!!!!!!

women are stronger and much more powerful than the alpha males we make ourselves out to be in our minds. they put up with way more than we ever dream of having to. plus it doesn't help that half the time, the thing they're putting up with is us!!! so please, think with your stationary cranium instead of your dangling participle. as much as a woman needs to respect herself, a real gentleman shows a lady that same respect tenfold.

so i say all this to say that we as people all have flaws. not one of us is perfect, man or woman. but in a strange way, it is this lack of perfection that makes us all the same. and how we react to said similarity is how we define ourselves as human beings. it seems we have a choice here, people. we can stand around and pretend we speak two different languages or we can build relationships and understanding among one another so that our children and their offspring might know a world a harmony and peace. maybe, just maybe, we could pull a gandhi and be the change we wish to see in the world.

thats all she wrote for now. comment if you wouldn't mind.

l8r.